Within the harem beneath, the king wretch, incensed and hazed.
Fogged and spiced plumes mask his misshapen guise, and
Cinnamon, rosemary, and clove potpourris placate his violent stench.
A stark white and silken veil hangs over his rippled face,
Supple concubines and taught skinned eunuchs
Assuage and shelter the leprous king.
From his perfumed lair the spice king dispatches his
Spice soldiers to

Every moment of calm and content painlessness is a blessing. Because things will go wrong, they will go drastically wrong for all of us. There will be a second in my life where things change from good to bad and I will look back and remember this moment of painless contentment and I will long for it. I'll need it and I'll be willing to do anything to get it back but it's impossible. Life is just differing states of mind. I can feel alive and alert while I'm running because the blood is rushing through my veins and nourishing my brain, or I can feel sedated and numb without emotion or thought. Which is better really? The end result is still the same no matter anything at all. But I'm fine.

I saw this painting of a matador recently and it inspired me philosophically, or reinforced ideals I already held. Thematically it was graceful and elegant, even in the face of chaos or violence or death or irrationally destructive behavior the matador was able to maintain composure and calm and focus and earn triumph. This black raging bull is charging towards with every inclination to gore you through your femoral artery, but with precision and a click of the heels you can narrowly avoid all danger. An inch is the same as a mile in effect. It either happens or it doesn't, there is no gray area, but the artistry and the sport come from showcasing grace and elegance. The more efficient, simple, and beautiful your movements are the more power and brilliance they convey. I've seen this be true in so many other aspects of life. It's nothing I can achieve but it's something I will always appreciate.

I'm surprised by how few people actually appreciate my disposition. I don't bitch, I don't complain, I don't get angry much. I'm relaxed and content almost all the time. Maybe most people are so bored with themselves that they need others to entertain them, even if it's sick, toxic, embarrassing entertainment. I hope to god I will continue to be as happy with myself when I'm in my 30's as I am now.

Dirty rags, empty beer cans, and coins will never dictate my emotions.

Poignant Thought Of The Day

I find the poignance of today in the dichotomy of my news feed. Half of the posts are about the tragic shooting at my high school, but between those posts I see gorgeous pictures of Vienna and simple reflections about a bike ride on a beautiful day by people who have no idea about the shooting. The truth is that daily there are millions of impersonal tragedies and blessings world-wide, and we need to approach every day thoughtfully, graciously, and with gratitude. Those things will keep us humble and will keep us from the self-pity that destroys our good nature and creates anger. Sociopathic violence is born from ungrateful, angry, pitifully self-absorbed people, and we have to keep ourselves and others from that by being thankful, each day, for something no matter how small it may be.

Hasn't self-pity done enough damage to this world? I guarantee you 99% of your problems stem in some way from self-pity. People have these unhealthy perceptions and expectations for themselves and when they think they deserve more than what's actuality, they pity themselves. And when they pity themselves they weaken themselves, and weaken the integrity of the society around them. And if there's only one rule in life that should be followed, it's the golden one, "don't fuck over anyone else." And you fuck everyone over by moping, and raging, and sniveling, and complaining, all differing forms of pity. 

What I would do to have you here to open my packet of hot sauce...

I can't wait for the Sun, and the blistering heat and the muggy monsoons and the gallons and gallons and gallons of sweat and I can't wait for the dry lips and headaches and cramps and sunburns or the teeming swarms of irritating flies and cicadas and hot helpless stinking people, and I can't wait for the Squids.

I've lived life surreal and semiconscious before, and I've truly enjoyed it. But there is nothing like a reality that you've made your own, and a reality that offers to you everything you need. Needs are wants and I don't want much but I do need love.

It's weird to think about those experiences, good or bad, that absolutely change your life, and I can only imagine since nothing has happened in my life significant enough whereas I can feel its effects indefinitely. Like a car crash late at night and your friend dies and you're seriously injured, or horrid sexual abuse. Something that you will never ever forget and you will think about it daily. Like a weight on your chest always. I'm so thankful nothing as bad as that has happened to me, nor anything equally as good. I would give up all the good in the world if it also took the bad with it, to be content. And there's no way I'm lucky enough to get through the rest of my life without something as terrible happening to me, but what and when will it be? How will I deal with it? I know it's coming because there's absolutely no way I'm lucky enough to escape it.

Someone will die, someone close to me, someone whose face I've looked at for years, and studied, and known, and loved will die. I don't think I've met this person yet. Maybe I have but everyone is so far away, I'm surrounded only by new and unfamiliar faces.

There's no way a good God exists, because if he exists he is not good at all. No good god would do such a shit job of taking care of its creations.